gossip Archives - Life with Dee

Yesterday I was reading one of my favorite blogs, These Days in French Life (no longer available), and read something that made me sit up and and inwardly shout, “yes!”. Riana, the author of the blog, has undergone some major changes in the way she and her family choose to live their lives. I’ve read with great interest as this change has taken place the past few years and have nothing but admiration for her. Apparently not everyone is as charmed by her little family’s growth in authenticity and mindful living as I am, however. She’s been the recipient of a fair amount of criticism, some of the worst coming from people close to her.

You would think that the people who claim to love and care about us would be our cheerleaders when we begin to really connect with the deepest part of our souls while at the same time taking an interest in the greater world around us. Sadly, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes those closest to us simply cannot gracefully accept our growth and change. Seeing us step out of the little box we’ve lived in threatens all their notions of who we are…especially when they are still living in a little box that looks very much like the one we used to inhabit.

Even so, one might hope that people would keep their opinions to themselves. But I suppose it’s human nature to seek confirmation from others that one’s concerns are valid. Perhaps they have convinced themselves that what they are doing is not really gossip. I’m sure they don’t consider themselves judgmental, even when quoting scriptures about “the narrow way” and “sound doctrine”. And maybe referring to people who share our political and environmental concerns as “idiots”, “hypocrites” and “socialists” isn’t intended to hurt our feelings. I hope not. I’d hate to think it is intentional.

In any case, I’ve wasted way too much emotional energy on all this and am ready to move on. That’s why I was so excited to read the following on These Days in French Life:

So get it off your chest. Write it, sing it, dance it, drum it, shout it, mail it. Tell them. People will disagree with your ideas, your way, your beliefs. Let them. Forget about it. Better yet – change your focus. Change how you’re going to perceive and see something (what other people think of me is none of my business). That is what this full Moon is all about. Then join forces with like minded people, have a party, be festive and merry and change the world.

The line that really got my attention was “what other people think of me is none of my business”. Wow. As a first born, perfectionist, people pleaser, I’ve always had a tendency to do what others expect of me. I do want people to like me. I know I shouldn’t care but I do. But I’m working on that. I’m 47 years old. I decided a few years ago that it was time for me to start living life on my own terms, not based on the expectations of people who only think they know me.

All of these thoughts have been brewing in my head for quite awhile and I knew that at some point I’d end up blogging about it. I don’t often get terribly personal here. I have close friends and family to talk about these things with and I rather doubt my blog readers are interested in my navel gazing. Still, I have had conversations with numerous people recently who are dealing with similar issues so I’m sharing this in the hopes that it might be encouraging the way Riana’s post was for me. Rest assured, I won’t be making a habit of this. 😉

My daughter posted the following song on Facebook this morning and I thought some of the lyrics were appropriate for this blog post:

Why can’t I be more conventional?
People talk, people stare
So I try
But that’s not for me

And because humor is often a good way to deal with things, this is what David often refers to as “our theme song”:

Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About

Now that I’ve gotten all that off my chest, it’s time to “join forces with like minded people, have a party, be festive and merry and change the world”. Who’s with me?

I’ve long suspected that David and I have been the subject of discussion amongst some family and friends of family but paranoia isn’t my thing so I haven’t thought much about it. Today I received confirmation that it is, indeed, happening. Things from my blog and our MySpace pages have been shared and talked about with people who don’t read either one.

None of what David and I write about is a secret or we wouldn’t have posted in the first place. However, to share little bits and pieces, sometimes completely out of context, with people who aren’t getting the whole picture can be highly misleading. But the really disheartening part of all this is that the people who are gossiping about us are Christians and none have seen fit to talk to us about these things personally.

I don’t share much about my faith here for a variety of reasons, although I don’t hide the fact I’m a Christian. There is mention of church activities, pictures of our church taken at the Christmas Eve service, and on the sidebar is one of those “blinkie” things that says, “Prayer Changes Things”, which is something my grandmother has always had handwritten on a piece of paper and taped to her bedroom mirror. My faith is deep and unwavering. It defines who I am but it’s not something I feel I have to constantly advertise in my speech, writing, or with bumper stickers on my car. Anyone who takes the time to really know me will see God in my life. If they don’t, all the “Bible talk” and “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper stickers in the world wouldn’t mean a thing.

Part of the problem is that Christians don’t all agree about everything. We allow way too many issues to cause dissension and division amongst us. We’ve even allowed politics to become a means of judging who is the “better” Christian.

I know that one of the things being talked about is the fact that David and I occasionally consume alcohol and even (gasp) go to bars (our dear friends in New Orleans play in a band in a bar and we love listening to them play the music from our high school days)! I grew up in a family of teetotalers and in a church tradition that believes that even drinking a glass of wine with one’s dinner is sinful. But the thing is, not all Christian denominations share that view. David and I happen to be Presbyterian and there is no such belief within that denomination as a whole. It’s perfectly fine to have different beliefs on this but to judge someone’s walk with the Lord based upon your interpretation of this is wrong.

In fact, it is impossible to accurately judge the heart of a person by outward things alone, whether that be one’s clothing, music preferences, hair styles, etc. More to the point, it isn’t our job to judge another’s relationship with God at all. Unfortunately, we have recently had two tragic situations in our own small town in which men whom everyone considered to be fine, upstanding Christian leaders will now spend many years in jail for child molestation. Both were ordained Baptist ministers and leaders in their churches. They probably didn’t even drink. I’ll bet that if, a year ago, you had talked to anyone in their churches or amongst their close friends and relatives about these men you would have heard high praises for their godly nature and close walk with God. I’m in no way making light of these horrible situations but merely making the point that we cannot know what is in another’s heart.

I’m not sure if I should post this or not. On the one hand, David and I are totally secure in our faith and completely at peace with our personal choices. We really don’t care what others think. But on the other hand, perhaps this will make those who have been doing the gossiping think about what they are doing. Is it helpful? Is anything good likely to come about as a result? We tend to prefer to focus on “the big sins” while conveniently forgetting that God’s word cautions us against gossiping quite vigorously.

So, now that I’ve got that off my chest, let’s move on. I’ve got recipes to share, before and after pictures of decluttering projects to show you, and sooner or later there will be yet another story of some goofy rural experience to regale you with.

If you judge people, you have not time to love them.
~Mother Teresa~

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